From a Shadow's Viewpoint

Pink! Blue!

2006-09-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

Well hello there, reader! Long time no see.
Sitting here doing Hausafgabe (that's German for homework!) with Sleeping Beauty on in the background. School is going well. I'm feeling all As..... or maybe a B or two.

Man! I just can't write the way I used to. I guess people have probably stopped reading this ole thing. I'm become so content with my life I haven't really had the need to write. (The need to write??)
I'm working at a family owned Chinese restraunt called Lai Lai here in town. Blake worked there last year. Its weird thinking about him having worked there before me.
Its also weird thinking that in a couple of weeks, we'll be celebrating our 10 month anniversary. holy balls. I remember last year (around Novermberish) smoking on my steps outside my house in Memphis at midnight, listening to Venus in Furs and dreaming about being with him. So strange how life turns out!
Now we're thinking about having a threesome. I don't know where it'll go - but I think it'll be fun. Now to just find the right girl...

I need to craft more.
And piano!

Le Sigh

2006-07-29T05:47:00.000-07:00

"I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life, and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived."
HDT

So many things - and so little time!
At least I've found my best friend and love. (That's you Buddy Bookins!)

*smooch!*

2006-05-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

Sigh...there's me and Buddy. We are such little piggies.

I love you, Buddy Boooooo!!!!

:D

2006-04-25T18:01:00.000-07:00

Bwahaha!

Holy CRAP!!!!! (new month)

2006-04-09T11:19:00.000-07:00

Taken from "Reuters: Oddly Enough" story entitled - "Monster Rabbit Targets Vegetable Patch"

LONDON (Reuters) - It sounds like a job for Wallace and Gromit. A "monster" rabbit has apparently been rampaging through vegetable patches in a small village in northern England, ripping up leeks, munching turnips and infuriating local gardeners.

In an uncanny resemblance to the plot of the hit animated film "Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit," angry horticulturists in Felton, near Newcastle, have now mounted an armed guard to protect their prized cabbages and parsnips.

"They call it the monster. It's very big -- it's nearly the size of a dog," said Joan Smith, whose son Jeff owns one of the plots under attack.

"It's eating everything, all the vegetables," she told Reuters. "They are trying to shoot it. They go along hoping to catch it but I think it's too crafty."

In the "Wallace" film, which topped both the U.S. and UK box office charts and in March won an Oscar for best animated feature film, the plasticine heroes battle a mutant rabbit bent on destroying their home town's annual Giant Vegetable Contest.

Those who say they have witnessed Felton's black and brown monster describe it as a cross between a rabbit and a hare with one ear bigger than the other.

Its antics came to public attention when Jeff Smith, 63, raised it as an issue with the local parish council.

"He came along to pay the annual fee for the allotment (vegetable patch) and he said 'ooh we've got this big cross between a hare and a rabbit,'" the council's clerk Lisa Hamlin told Reuters.

Smith himself has described it as a "brute" which had left huge pawprints.

"This is no ordinary rabbit. We are dealing with a monster," he was quoted by newspapers as saying.

"It is absolutely massive. The first time I saw it I thought to myself 'What the hell is that?'

"We have two lads here with guns who are trying to shoot it, but it is very clever."

An Update, Oh My!

2006-04-01T11:15:00.000-08:00

I have found the meaning of peaceful quiet again.
I slept by myself for the first time in a long time last night. Kaylor has ventured off to Birmingham to celebrate 21 vivacious years of existence with her family (happy birthday, love!) and Buddy has ventured off as well to have some well-deserved Buddy time.
So now I'm in Kaylor's room now - early in the morning, the fan blowing, the smell of Fresh Peach candles in the air, and this feeling that I've never been so happy or lucky in my entire life.
Today is April 1st. 2 days away from me and Buddy's *4 month*!!!! I really can't believe that my net picked up this glorious fish (sorry to compare you to a fish, Buddy! you can be the most beautiful fish in the world - according to Google):

I've never loved someone so much in my life.
(I mean that, Buddy. *smooch*)

And I'd forgotten about how amazing Kaylor is! When I had issues with my roommate, I decided life's too short to worry about silly things. So instead of brooding, I moved all my things into a little corner in Kaylor's room and am the happiest I've been either semesters here.

In other news, Buddy Boo and I found 2 kittens stuck under his house in a terrible thunderstorm about a month ago. Their names are Ziggy and Aladdin. Ziggy has a weight problem and Aladdin is actually a girl, but they're so fucking cute, its impossible not to love them.

Other things... oh yes! I got the best complement in the world tonight. On the elevator coming up to my room, there was a girl I hadn't seen before in there with me - and at one point she turned to me and asked, what sort of mascara do you use on your eyes? And I told her that I wasn't wearing any mascara, and she looked surpirsed and said, well you've got the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Woo! So big thanks to the stranger in the elevator, wherever you are.

Let's see - piano is going remarkably well. Eric Edwards is my constant audience when I pracitce in the lobby. And I attribute my jump in ability to play Chopin to Buddy (loving someone this much was bound to influence the way I play). Buddy is also doing fantastically well on learning guitar! He has incredible work ethic and has learned God knows how many songs in his mere month and half of playing. Go Buddy!

Not much else to report. I don't see much of the kids in the dorm anymore, which is fine by me - because most of the conversations center around the big bubble of sexual tension around this building that won't seem to fucking pop already. The only ones I really care about are my little Lindsey, my Dino Ryno, crazy Eric, and Genevivums (and her Ryan of course). Everyone else can kiss my wiggly little butt.

*wiggle wiggle*

Ever Think About the Olden Days?

2006-02-25T23:16:00.000-08:00

Memories of a catholic school girl...
~dark lipstick at the bottom of your purse
~sneaking out to the church steps between classes for a smoke break
~rubbing our asses if they'd just gotten paddled
(THAT'S 3 HAIL MARYS YOUNG LADY! AND FIX YOUR STOCKINGS.)
Crucifix hung around our neck - the cross squished between our tiny breasts made more than what they're worth by pitiful push-up bras.

Boys were terrified of us.
Rightfully so, young lads! Stay as far away as you can. Moms don't like us, Dads look at our legs and then feel guilty. (They knew exactly what they were missing.)

110 pounds, darkened eyes (makeup enhanced of course), and a coked out attitude (plus or minus the actual cocaine). That was us.
And we thought we had it all.

Perhaps we did...?

Rightfully Wasted, My Friend

2006-02-19T14:00:00.000-08:00

"Put the keg on my coffin
And think of me ever so often
Have a loser's day parade for all my friends
Drink up life like a river
Till the pizza man delivers (Buddy!)
Smile and know I loved you till the end."

I wouldn't mind going out that way. When I die, you can for sure put a keg atop my coffin. Or at least bring a 40 to my funeral.

Rachel --

[noun]:

A person who is constantly high

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Blake --

[adjective]:

Like in nature to a train-riding hobo

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I think these should be switched....
But perhaps not.
(I heart you, Buddy.)

I now teach piano lessons! I charge 25 an hour. Cents that is. 25 cents for a hour of tinkering Michael Jackson or Chopin - whatever you prefer. (Thanks Kennith!)

I looked like a hooker walking home this morning in my furry coat, little pink dress, high heals, and cigarette in hand. Old ladies shook their heads as they sneered at me from within their cars headed to church. Well I say fuck them and their self-righteous horseshit. Didn't Jesus spend all his time with the whores and tax collectors anyway? I bet good ole JC would have bummed me a cigarette anyday.

The Most Fatalistic Overdose

2006-02-14T18:06:00.000-08:00

Why, its cuteness of course.

/VOMIT.

Returning Sunday

2006-02-09T13:15:00.000-08:00

Picked up Keruac's On the Road
(reading it now, for the 8th time)
and listened to a lecture given by Hunter S. Thompson in the 1980s at Boulder University. The drone of the 'virtuosity of action' is still lingering in my head and won't get the fuck out.
All action and no theory? Or all theory and no action.
(Which are you)

Am I turning into a lesbian again? What the hell's going on in my head!?
I wasn't very kind to Buddy the other night.
(He's a stone fox - he just doesn't know it.)
And he treats me better than anyone. Buddy, Buddy, Buddy - I promise you're the greatest. Put up with my little girl tendencies and serenade me with jumps between melodious C major to plain old G major to melancholy D minor to that fucker of an F major and then back to happy old C. And I'll be yours.

Memphis this weekend, during which:
-will take care of my Little One (Boo!)
-will pick up the smack and handle it with time-bombish care
-tea and Ghostbusters with Aaron and Topher
-tree swing and star gazing with brother

Jesus these words can't seem to flow.

Aching Soles

2006-02-08T12:02:00.000-08:00

A police officer took me home from Buddy's house this morning.
Yes - it was the first time, in fact, for me to be riding in the front seat of a cop car. He saw me walking without shoes and told me he'd give me a lift to wherever I was going.
Hmmmm.

You know its true...

Memory is, Indeed, Quite Persistant

2006-02-06T11:21:00.000-08:00

A girl in our dorm slit her wrists last night. But she's OK.
She did it when she was taking a shower. I guess the watery isolation was just too much for her.

In times like this, its best to think of other things.

I'm back to smoking in my room. Topless. And without shoes (toe socks would be wonderful now.) I'm beginning to realize that, often times, I give myself way too much credit. I haven't won any wars or conquored any troubles yet.
Not really that is.
Sure I've been to rehab a few times, maybe seen the view from behind cold steel bars a couple of times as well. Lost a friend to suicide... a heartbreak here and there... but nothing extraordinary really.

I can't wait to be a writer and live on Mount Everest cooking for passing climbers. I need to get out of the States. Fast.

He's the Best

2006-02-03T19:55:00.000-08:00

It's true!
My Buddy is the best.
2 months! No fights... lots of trains... and I have my own window sill (to keep my earings!)

A Casual Walk Down Amnesia Lane

2006-01-31T01:14:00.000-08:00

Found an old blog post. Interesting.

Right now I'm sitting in my [old] old room (the pink one with memories of Brittany and bloody wrists) typing away and wondering why we have feelings of nostalgia. I walked around my house and felt like Camus' own personal stranger. Like I didn't belong in my own house. The memoires I have in this place are so distant now - making out with Matt on the floor in my room, getting my first kiss from and playing pool with Matthieu in the game room... shit like that. Does it even matter?
I suppose it does. Memories make us who we are after all. If we don't have our thoughts to hold onto, who do we become? Breathing beings without souls trying to taste life on the tips of their fingertips
(my favorite place to get kissed by the way)
until we go numb from trying to hard to bring back every honeysuckle of thought we've ever had. And in the midst of checkmating ourselves and getting cavities from drinking too much hunch punch... we lose ourselves.

Where are you, Rachel??

I want to go sit out on old the tree swing under the stars and remember what it was like when I didn't worry about cigarettes and the smudged lipstick on the boy's cheek. I want to breathe innocence again - feel its icy chill like a menthol rush down my throat into my gasping lungs.

My body longs for youth again. Its purity is parched.

I want to sit on Aaron's porch again.
I want to kiss Topher on his couch again and feed him donuts in the Highland Quartet parking lot.
I want to play with Grady Fergeson on the preschool playground.
....I want to skip chapel with Erin and Laura
I want to gaze into Traffas' eyes again and realize that she recognizes something in me that nobody else sees
I want to see Harrison the way I did when I first met him (Charlie)
I want to read the Golden Compass and eat macaronni and cheese while I play Beethoven
I want to hold my pocket watch in my hand and smile as the tick tock soothes my eardrums.

Always interesting to look at a past version of yourself. Hindsight is always 20/20. Gahhh can't believe I just said that.

Cabbages and Kings

2006-01-28T18:38:00.000-08:00

Happy Buddy = Happy Rachel :)

(me and Buddy. I'm on top of course.)

What I love:
*scrambled eggs
*smoking
*this picture:

Ethics: Subjective Luxery or Objective Necessity? A Justification of Ethical Egoism

2006-01-26T13:03:00.000-08:00

The end does not justify the means. No one's rights can be secured by the violation of the rights of others.
-Ayn Rand, "The Cashing-In: The Student Rebellion," Capitalism: The Unknown Ideal
If you want to help them, you will not be stopped.
-Ayn Rand, responding to an interviewer's question about helping the poor

A cold-hearted bitch, hung up on civil liberties, whose moral priorities are greatly 'out of tune.' That's what my ethics professor believes me to be. Because I agree with and would go so far as to say greatly respect the quotes above and the author herself.
Ayn Rand has received a great amount of criticism for her 'harsh objectivist theories' ever since she began publishing her works in the mid 1960s. Although I do believe that certain parts of Rand's theories are taken a bit too far, or should I say are a bit too radical for my tastes, I believe she is one of the only philosophers in history to hit the nail on the head, so to speak, when it comes to recognizing the value of freedom, liberty, privacey, rationality, and fierce independence.

Ethical Egoism argues in favor of the individual. It holds personal responsability at the top of its priority list and expects every human being to look out for himself and others who's voices might be muffled (which really only consists of children and the mentally handicapped. Everyone else is on their own). But egoism doesn't single out an single group based on race, gender, religion, etc. - it holds everyone to the same high standards and expects that no matter what a person's background may be, he should be held accountable for his actions.

Ethical Egoism does not, however, argue that you should avoid helping others. Infact, ethical egoism is very compatible with commonsense morality. Often it is counterproductive to our own needs to harm another human (whether it be lying, stealing, etc). You may disagree with this motivation, but you can't deny that a vested interest in others sometimes does go hand in hand with a vested interest in ourself. And that's true healthy selfishness. Its so frustrating that selfishness has the negative conotation that it does today. People associate the idea of selfishness with evil and corruption, when in fact selfishness is the true savior of man. A man who works his ass off to become a multi-millionare is looked upon with the same contempt as a man who robs a convinience store. In the battle between selfishness and altruism, altrusim is always painted as the noble self-sacrificer, when in fact, there is no such thing as a totally altrusitic act. Every act has some kind of selfish intent. Even Mother Teresa was guided by selfish notions - and that's not to say that she was a bad person; its just stating the fact that she did what made her feel good, and it happened to be helping others.

If examined carefully, one will eventually realize that altruism collapes on itself. Its a self-defeating philosophy that is likely to do more harm than good if applied. And here are the reasons why:
1. Each of us is intimately familiar with our own individual wants and needs. Moreover, each of us is uniquely placed to pursue those wants and needs effectively. At the same time, we know the desires and needs of other people only imperfectly, and we are not well situated to pursue them. Therefore, it is reasonable to assume that if we set out to be our "brother's keeper," we would often end up doing more harm than good.
2. The policy of 'looking out for others' is an offensive intrusion into other people's privacey; it is essentially a policy of minding other people's business.
3. Making other people the object of one's 'charity' is degrading to them; it robs them of the indvidual dignity and self respect. The offer of charity says, in effect, that they are not competent to care for themselves, and that there is someone out there who knows what's better for them. Therefore, these so called 'beneficiaries' cease to be self-reliant and become passively dependent on others. That is why recipients of 'charity' are so often resentful rather than appreciative.

Our birth does not entail our obligation to our fellow human. We are born alone, we die alone - and the middle is totally up to us. Please don't see what I'm saying as negative. Instead, view it as a positive opportunity of recognition: realize that the fact that you hold the sole key to the lock of your actions is actually very empowering and should be taken advantage of to the greatest of your ability.

Oh Shit...

2006-01-25T19:53:00.000-08:00

You can't always tell when the shit's about to hit the fan. But if you can tell, sometimes there's nothing else you can do but wait for it to all be over.

Praise Process, not Progress

2006-01-24T18:58:00.000-08:00

I like the idea of praising the process towards progress rather than praising the achieved goal of progress itself. Perhaps it gives everyone a little room to be ambiguous - but it is the journey, afterall - not the destination - that sucks you dry of your humanic juices and makes you into the fleshy being that you are.

Blake recently spilled out some watery worthy advice to another kid who (should have if he didn't) lapped it up right off the floor. I think its a general rule that people learn lessons better if they learn them on their own, but certain advice is just too good to pass up. We were discussing the metaphorical ripping off of petals from a certain flower that everyone possess within them. Virginity is supposedly one of the most sacred elements a person can possess and is recognized as something that should be given away with much consideration - because you want your first time to be all 'fireworks and balloons.'
But stop and think about that for a second. Do you really want to have your first unavoidably awkward sexual experience in which intense emotions are most likely attached to with someone that you are crazy about? If something fucks up (say, they don't ever want to see you again or consider the whole thing a mistake), you heart is gonna be singing good ole 'Achey Brakey' and no one's going to be there to sympathize. And even if they are, no words can offer consolation to someone who's experienced a shitty first time.

So save yourself a lot of pain - and when you feel that you're finally ready to rip open that nearly expired package lying under the (real) Tree of Knowledge and put your V-Card through the shredder, find a skank in bar or a guy at a frat party, get the deed done, and pat yourself on the back while welcoming youself into the world of sexual experience.
Its a one way ticket, kids. No turning back afterwards!

February 18, 2004

2006-01-23T15:07:00.000-08:00

There are no beautiful suicides
just cold corpses with shit in their pants
& the end of the gifts.
-?-

No One Wants Second Apple

2006-01-21T23:23:00.000-08:00

(I swear its a real saying!)

Yes, I know its a pear, not an apple.

Really wishing I could see Marcy Playground's 'Sex and Candy' music video now. Ah, John Wozinak - my first crush....

Currently, I am:
-glad to take precedent sometimes
-confused as to why people don't take care of themselves
-tired of seeing people hurt each other for no reason
-amused at Austism Awareness
-missing Candyland with my brother and midnight grocery shopping with Laura
-disgusted by gated communities
-annoyed by laziness and unfounded apathy
-happy that Kennith delivered Lai Lai to me and Caroline tonight
-lucky to have my Buddy
-wanting to smoke
(didn't use the word need!)
-anxious for the month of March to arrive (B&S and trainhopping!%$#*)
-realizing that alcohol really is the wettest of social lubricants
-hoping that today, somewhere, a priest left the church in the happy pursuit of knowledge
-needing to read more
-understanding the importance being informed
-angry at self-proclaimed vicitms
-concluding that awkwardness is a double-edged sword

Indulge yourself: http://www.tottyart.com/sl8.htm
(thanks Erik)

Tomorrow I'm Going to Kill Myself.

2006-01-18T17:12:00.000-08:00

No, no, no. Not really. Just thinking about my favorite scene from The Royal Tenenbaums.

Spent the day researching heroin in the library and talking about it more with Aaron. I'm ready for it.
Are you?

A Carrot a Day May Keep Cancer Away (?)

2006-01-16T22:43:00.000-08:00

~I have a sty in my eye. The fact that I just made a stupid rhyme is hurting me just as much.
~Why do Westerners portray Buddha is a happy fat guy? Buddha was all about some moderation. Moderation: the key to happiness (but where's the lock?)
~Doctors sometimes don't know shit.
(sorry daddy)
~I'm not a rapist - I promise. (I miss my Buddy!)
~18 missed calls and 13 new voicemail messages. Leave me alone.
~"Bitch, be cool."
~1 cigarette for the morning. A '27', aka: air conditioning for my throat. (Generous Peruvians are nice to keep in handy)
~I want to be like Ferdinand and sit alone smelling the flowers.
~I wonder what Joan of Arc thought about just before she was burned at the stake.
~I also wonder what would compel certain people to buy Diet Cherry Vanilla Doctor Pepper. Read the fucking name! Can't you take a fucking hint?
~My thoughts are faster than Dale Earnheart Jr.'s car at the moment. Sorry if you can't keep up.
~Socrates really got jipped.

gimme.

Hey! You Were NOT Invited.

2006-01-14T14:08:00.000-08:00

Hmmm... not the best thing to say to cops as they bust up a party. As I found out last night.

No wrists were cuffed though. That's good.
Party fish swimming around in my head. Knowing too many people. A good thing? Occasionally.

The author would like to acknowledge that she has a disgusting interest in goldfish and whipped cream and doesn't look good in pink. Important notes also include that said author thinks Michaelangelo did a great injustice to David by imortalizing him with a tiny dick.
A true tragedy.

So You Wanna Try This On for Me?

2006-01-12T09:42:00.000-08:00

Ryan and Cason gave me this last night as a late Christmas present:

They said, oh Rachel! we just knew it was you when we saw it!
???
Well, I supose even if I do radiate this huge glowing red aura of "SLUT", the fact that they went out of their way to get it for me was very nice. So thanks boys. :)

Note: the thong itself is very uncomfortable to wear - so Chase, Jan, and I ended up eating the waste line. Oops.

'Ah Shit, I Just Shot Marvin in the Face'

2006-01-12T01:27:00.000-08:00

I like these pictures.

You Are Not Who You Are, But Who You Are Not

2006-01-10T10:34:00.000-08:00

Return to the Dorm! and to a reality of a different kind...

Sitting here toplessly smoking in my room like old times. Only now I have a roomate - a beautiful in-the-closet liberal who has a nose ring and loves lemon drops and the movie Fight Club (already OK in my book).
Lots of thoughts runnning through my head:
~this campus is unforgivably small
~why are the cokes they make in Japan smaller than the ones here?
~what the hell am i going to do with all this cocaine
~!!
~I hope my friends are happy if not happier now than they've been
~the only person I wouldn't hesistate to die for is Alex
~because I love my brother more than anyone in this plane of existence
~why do we love fire so much?
~a squirrel stole my poptart this morning. I hope karma makes him trip over a twig.
~I don't want to go to the doctor on Thursday
~but that's just life.

'Thus spake Zarathustra and left his cave, glowing and strong, like a morning sun coming out of gloomy mountains.'

Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

2006-01-08T08:08:00.000-08:00

(Fantastic book)

(Fantastic album)

'each man must realize
that it can all disappear very
quickly:
the cat, the woman, the job,
the front tire,
the bed, the walls, the
room; all our necessities
including love,
rest on foundations of sand -
and any given cause,
no matter how unrelated:
the death of a boy in Hong Kong
or
a blizzard in Omaha ...
can serve as your undoing.
all your chinaware crashing to the
kitchen floor, your girl will enter
and you'll be standing, drunk,
in the center of it and she'll ask:
my god, what's the matter?
and you'll answer: I don't know,
I don't know...'

(Fantastic poem)

As He Shook His Fist...

2006-01-07T00:37:00.000-08:00

'I know not how, I care not why,
Thy music sets my world at ease,
And melts my passion's mortal cry
In satisfying symphonies.'
~S.L '87

To the Graveyard Shift Workers

2006-01-05T03:11:00.000-08:00

Everyday...
-a husband kisses his wife goodbye as he leaves for work
-a dead fish gets flushed down the toilet
-a woman gets an abortion
-a boy in Afica kills his first animal
-a flight attendant delivers peanuts
-a frightened girl snorts a few lines of cocaine
-a child skins his knee riding a bike
-a butterfly emerges from his cocoon
-a star explodes

And yet the world, oblivious, keeps spinning at a 100,000 km per hour.
And we keep breathing.

'For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do.'

Name it and I'll make you some cookies.

Carpe Diem

2006-01-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

'Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles today,
To-morrow will be dying.'

"So that's NOT an Oscilating Function?"

2006-01-02T18:40:00.000-08:00

Would you rather have porn music play when you walk or be able to clap your hands and make everyone in the room orgasim?

G0-6

2006-01-01T16:53:00.000-08:00

Happy new years!

Hitchhiking is so much fun. If you haven't tried it, make it one of your resolutions to do so. I hitchhiked from Birmingham to Tuscaloosa last Thursday (a mere hour drive) - but nonetheless, it was an experience I shalln't forget soon.

I have also recently obtained the knowledge that stir fry is probably one of the best methods of cooking, and also that train tracks provide endless opportunities for mischief.....

During the drive home, I watched the sky transform from a dark grey to a very ominous shade - thus deeming itself worthy of photographic capture:

My S-E-E Worthy Boat

2005-12-28T22:21:00.000-08:00

My eyes are my little windows to the world, and every minute it's a different show. Now, I may not understand it - I may not even necessarily agree with it. But I accept it and just sort of glide along.
You want to keep things on an even keel I guess is what I'm saying.
You want to go with the flow. The sea refuses no river. The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure while always arriving. Saves on introductions and good-byes. The ride does not require an explanation. Just occupants. (That's you, reader!)
It's like you come onto this planet with a crayon box. Now, you may get the 8-pack, you may get the 16-pack. But it's all in what you do with the crayons (the colors) that you're given. And don't worry about drawing within the lines or coloring outside the lines. I say color outside the lines. Color right off the page. Don't box me in! We're in motion to the ocean, and we are certainly not bound by what we know as sand and dirt.
Live instead of exist - appreciate both the simplicity and the complexity that you can find in a fallen leaf.

The Worst Mistake You Can Make is to Think You Are Alive.

2005-12-28T03:36:00.000-08:00

So am I alive?
I'm not sure.

What I am sure of is that you should drop all that you are doing and go listen to "Venus in Furs" by The Velvet Underground. Absolutely terrifying in its bizarre S&M imagery and abrasive atmosphere, the song examines the seductive, dark side of human lust and sexuality. While it may seem tame by today's standards, it was most unheard of to have a song about S&M in 1967 (surprising, yes?)

"Kiss the boot of shiny, shiny leather
Shiny leather in the dark
Tongue of thongs, the belt that does await you
Strike, dear mistress, and cure his heart
Severin, severin, speak so slightly
Severin, down on your bended knee
Taste the whip, in love not given lightly
Taste the whip, now plead for me."

Nonetheless, the song is fantastic and should reach everyone's eardrums within the next 48 hours.

I will always love this kind of music. That is one thing about me I'm certain will never change.

However, as far as other parts changing, I think its totally necessary and absolutely wonderful. Isn't it a comfort to know that it is always your choice who you are? Even though our cells are completely regenerating every seven years - thus we've already become completely different people several times over - we always remain quintessentially ourselves. But our 'self' can chage.
We are as moldable as playdough.
(by our own hands of course)

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

2005-12-27T12:36:00.000-08:00

I have noted that the internet is by far one of the sharpest double-edged swords in existence.
People need to take a goddamn minute before they realize what they're revealing to the cyber world. You make think that only a few people read what you write, but most likely, you're wrong. I think some people use blogs, livejournals, etc. like suicide notes left in obvious places where others will find them easily - as a way to scream out what you don't have the guts to say to people in real life. People think its selfish to bring up their problems to other people - so they make all these horrid posts so the undeniable curiosity of human beings will almost compel other people to ask them, "oh honey - what's wrong?", so they feel justified for talking about whatever dramatic shit is plaguing their life. And I think that's just about the saddest bunch of bullshit I've ever seen.

I have no pity for people who write whining posts and expect others to leave sympathizing comments. If you have a problem with someone (or life in general I suppose), deal with it yourself as best you can and leave other people the fuck out of it. Its kind of like what happened in Russia after the downfall of the Commies. When Russians could have national television where they weren't forced to talk about what they thought about exploitation, the harvest, etc. - they wanted to talk about their dirty underwear or whatever the fuck it took for people to pay attention to them. Now we have this device known as the internet where we too now have the chance to put our dirty underwear on display and have everyone oggle at it.

Note Bene: I'm not meaning to put forth a cold hearted bitchy mentality - because if someone comes to me and asks politely for a favor or is in genuine need of help, I will drop everything in 2 seconds and do everything in my power to help out. Doing small kind gestures are a plus - definitely. But don't do something nice so someone will owe you in the future. Do it because you understand the importance of that organ that pumps blood into your veins and arteries.

Dostoevsky said that you should not fear unhappiness, but rather you should embrace it and all the possible experiences attached to it. Our current society has ironed the very un-dostoevskish idea into people's minds that it is bad/wrong to be unhappy - and if you're unhappy, you should pop a pill or go talk to a shrink right away before you do something you might... regret. We didn't have pills for depression until about 40 years ago - so I think if people could handle it for the first few thousand years of human existence, we can do without it now.

I have closed to no tolerance for pointless depression. I'm not going to whip out the 'there are starving children in Rwanda' card - but I will say that what happens just happens - simply because it happens. And if you can't cope with reality and if you, instead, chose to ignore it, whine about it, or do drugs to forget about it (remember - I'm all for drugs, when used in the right context. not as a method of coping with the fucked up side of your cerebellum) you can forget me lending my shoulder to you. Go wipe your snot somewhere else and stop throwing me minows - I've got catfish to fry.

People have got to learn to get a grip on themselves and the reality in which they live. Respect for yourself is the first step into leading a healthy existence. If you respect yourself, then you can love yourself - and things will fall into place from there. Fierce independence is the trait that I admire most in people. The less needy a person is and the more self sufficient he becomes, the louder the applause will be from my little hands. Dramatic bullshit will definitely go down as a black mark in my book. It seems that as more bitching from people's lips reaches my ears, the harder I laugh and the less I care.

Remember - no kind of sensation is keener and more influential than that of pain. Its impressions are unmistakable and are the most long lived. We should be thankful that we can feel it.

'I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.'
-jack london

I could die tomorrow - I could die tonight - and would be perfectly content with the way things are. It is my goal to be able to say that at any given time in my life. We must live all that we can now, for when we are dead, we are dead forever.

Pour Some Gasoline On Me

2005-12-26T12:15:00.000-08:00

Self-destructive man feels completely alienated, utterly alone. He's an outsider to the human community. He thinks to himself, "I must be insane." What he fails to realize is that society has, just as he does, a vested interest in considerable losses and catastrophes. These wars, famines, floods and quakes meet well-defined needs. Man wants chaos. In fact, he's gotta have it. Depression, strife, riots, murder, all this dread. We're irresistibly drawn to that almost orgiastic state created out of death and destruction. It's in all of us. We revel in it.

Sure, the media tries to put a sad face on these things, painting them up as great human tragedies. But we all know the function of the media has never been to eliminate the evils of the world, no. Their job is to persuade us to accept those evils and get used to living with them. The powers that be want us to be passive observers. And they haven't given us any other options outside the occasional, purely symbolic, participatory act of voting. You want the puppet on the right or the puppet on the left? It doesn't really matter much anymore.

'Here is the new rule: break the wineglass
and fall towards the glassblower's breath.
The wine we really drink is our own blood.
Our bodies ferment in these barrels.
We give everything for a glass of this -
we give our minds for a sip...'

Drunks fear the police, but the police are drunk too.

Words Spoken by a Bum Outside a Bar

2005-12-25T01:50:00.000-08:00

'The quest is to be liberated from the negative, which is really our own will to nothingness. And once having said yes to the instant, the affirmation is contagious. It bursts into a chain of affirmations that knows no limit. To say yes to one instant is to say yes to all of existence.'

somehow this fits...

You Are Wrong Because...

2005-12-24T17:31:00.000-08:00

Preparing myself for future logical arguements. Must learn to combat the following:

1. Amazingly Bad Analogy
Example: You can train a dog to fetch a stick. Therefore, you can train a potato to dance.
2. Faulty Cause and Effect
Example: On the basis of my observations, wearing huge pants makes you fat.
3. I am the World
Example: I don't listen to country music. Therefore, country music is not popular.
4. Ignoring Everything Science Knows About the Brain
Example: People choose to be gay because they prefer the lifestyle.
5. The Few Are the Same as the Whole
Example: Some Eskimos are animal rights activists. Some Eskimos wear fur coats. Therefore, Eskimos are hypocrites.
6. Generalizing from Self
Example: I'm a liar. Therefore, I don't believe a word you're saying.
7. Arugement by Bizarre Definition
Example: He's not a criminal. He just does things that are against the law.
8. Total Logical Disconnect
Example: I enjoy pasta because my house is made of bricks.
9. Judging Things Without Comparing to Alternatives
Example: I don't invest in U.S. Treasury Bills. There's too much risk.
10. Anything You Don't Understand is Easy to Do
Example: If you have the right tools, how hard could it be to generate nuclear fission at home?
11. Ignorance of Statistics
Example: I'm putting ALL my money in the lottery this week because the jackpot is enormous.
12. Substituting Famous Quotes for Common Sense
Example: Remember, "All good things come to those who wait." So don't bother looking for a job.
13. Irrevelant Comparisons
Example: A hundred dollars is a good price for a toaster, compared to buying a Ferrari.
14. Circular Reasoning
Example: I'm correct because I'm smarter than you. And I must be smarter than you because I'm correct.
15. Incompleteness as Proof of Defect
Example: Einstein's theory of relativity doesn't address the question of why there are no unicorns, so it must be wrong.
16. Ignoring the Advice of Experts Without Good Reason
Example: Sure, the experts think you shouldn't ride your bike into the eye of a hurricane, but I have my own theory.
17. Following the Advice of Known Idiots
Example: Uncle Billy says pork makes you smarter. That's good enough for me!
18. Reaching Bizarre Conclusions Without Any Information
Example: The car won't start. I'm certain the spark plugs have been stolen by rogue clowns.
19. Faulty Pattern Recognition
Example: His last 6 wives were murdered mysteriously. I hope to be wife number 7.
20. Failure to Recognize What's Important
Example: My house is on fire! Quick call the post office and tell them to hold my mail!
21. Unclear Concept of Sunk Costs
Example: We've spent millions developing a water-powered pogo stick. We can't stop investing now or it'll all be wasted.
22. Overapplication of Occam's Razor (which states the simplest explanation is usually right)
Example: The simplest explanation of the moon landings is that they didn't happen.
23. Ignoring All Anecdotal Evidence
Example: I always get hives after eating strawberries. But without a scientifically controled experiement, its not reliable data. So I will continue to eat strawberries.
24. Inability to Understand that Some Things Have Multiple Causes
Example: The Beatles were popular just because they had good songs.
25. Judging the Whole by One of its Characteristic
Example: The sun causes sunburn. Therefore, the planet would be better without the sun.
26. Blinding Flashes of the Obvious
Example: If everyone had more money, we wouldn't have such a problem with poverty.
27. Blaming the Tool
Example: I bought an encyclopedia, but I'm still stupid. This encyclopedia must be defective.
28. Hallucinations of Reality
Example: I got my facts from a talking tree.
29. Taking Things to Their Illogical Conclusions
Example: If you let your barber cut your hair, the next thing you know he'll be cutting off your arms!
30. Failure to Understand that Some Rules Don't Have Exceptions
Example: It should be legal to shoplift as long as you don't take enough to hurt the company's earnings.
31. Proof by Lack of Evidence
Example: I've never seen you drunk, so you must be one of those Amish people.

Ha. Ready for anything now.
ps- spell check is an amazing thing which I should look into. (i love you, laura - my own little spelling bee)

A Day of Pipes and Thongs

2005-12-23T20:36:00.000-08:00

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree...
How I sometimes just want to set you on fire and watch your evergreeny needles burn.

Christmas is such a strange holiday. Everyone is forced to come together - thus everyone gets sick and their faces hurt from faking a smile for 48 hours. I'm in Nashville right now at my aunt's house. I got three things for Christmas from my extended family:
~a fuzzy bathrobe that looks like spring threw up all over it
~a shirt that says "RICH AND FAMOUS" in sparkling letters (...)
~and (the best gift) - a new pipe from my crazy uncle Tommy (he gave it to me in secret as everyone was focused on my baby cousin Aiden who decided to pull over the Christmas tree almost straight into the nearby fireplace)

Watching my family always provides such amusement. Our family always does this dirty gift exchange - but someone mixed up the kids gifts and the Dirty Santa gifts and labeled them all wrong. So when my adorable 5 year old cousin Garrent ferociously ripped into a box containing a pink thong and real life handcuffs and thus proceeded to burst into a fit of tears, it was all I could do to not to weep tears of endless joy. Sigh - I'm so glad that God did decide to imaculately fuck Mary so that we have a time of year where we have a reason to kill evergreens, endlessly stuff ourselves, and give each other pointless shit that we'll have forgotten about or broken by New Years.

Merry Christmas, everyone.
And, just for all you politically correct assholes out there - Happy Chanukah and Merry (?) Kwanza as well.

The Inevitable but Necessary Struggle of the Average Joe

2005-12-22T00:30:00.000-08:00

There are two kinds of sufferers in this world: those who suffer from a lack of life and those who suffer from an overabundance of life. I've always found myself in the second category. When you come to think of it, almost all human behavior and activity is not essentially any different from animal behavior. The most advanced technologies and craftsmanship bring us, at best, up to the super-chimpanzee level. Actually, the gap between, say, Plato or Nietzsche and the average human is greater than the gap between that chimpanzee and the average human. The realm of the real spirit, the true artist, the saint, the philosopher, is rarely achieved.

Why so few? Why is world history and evolution not stories of progress but rather this endless and futile addition of zeroes. No greater values have developed. Fuck, the Greeks 3,000 years ago were just as advanced as we are (in the grand scheme of human nature). So what are these barriers that keep people from reaching anywhere near their real potential? The answer to that can be found in another question, and that is this: Which is the most universal human characteristic - fear?
...or laziness?

My Waking Life

2005-12-21T16:29:00.000-08:00

Creation seems to come out of imperfection.

It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration. And this is where I think language came from. It came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival. Like "water." We came up with a sound for that. Or "Saber-toothed tiger - right behind you!" We came up with a sound for that. But when it gets really interesting, I think, is when we use that same system of symbols to communicate all the abstract and intangible things that we're experiencing. What is frustration?
anger?
desperation?
bliss?
or love?

When I say "love," the sound comes out of my mouth and it hits the other person's ear, travels through this Byzantine conduit in their brain through their memories of love (or lack of love), and they register what I'm saying and they say yes, they understand. But how do I know they understand? Because words are inert. They're just symbols. They're dead. And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It's unspeakable. And yet when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we've connected, and we think that we're understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And that feeling might be transient, but I think it's what we live for.

That and sex. And Jeff Goldblum.

Drugs: A Bet With the Mind

2005-12-20T17:09:00.000-08:00

"when it snows in your nose, you catch cold in your brain."

Wrong, Mr. Ginsberg. I believe that cocaine is one of the most eyeopening drugs out there - if treated with respect. That's the thing, everyone freaks out when you mention coke or heroin or ecstasy, but why? Its because people can't control themselves and end up abusing a substance that could potentially provide one of the most enlightning experiences of your life. People talk about 'crossing the line" - well I say fuck the line, and the chalk with which you draw it. If you don't stretch yourself till it just about kills you, how will you ever know what you're made of?

The reason I'm all rallied up about this is that I'm currently on the hunt for some heroin, and when I asked my friend Caroline about whether or not she knew where I could get some, she flipped out and almost started crying. I tried to tell her that I've been doing a lot of research on the drug itself (proper dosage, safe shooting habits, long term affects, etc)- but she wouldn't listen to me. So eventually I got fed up and left... only later be sucessful in my quest. Aaron said he could score some Black Tar or even some China White (!!) - but it might take a couple of weeks to get. Nonetheless, I think I'm ready to try it, as long as I'm careful and the people I do it with are just as ready as I am.

Remember - its not the heroin or the coke or the pot itself that makes you an addict. Its your need to escape from a reality you can't handle. There is great freedom to be found from learning to accept your surroundings and adapt adequately, because if you can do that, you can do anything you fucking want.

Astronazis

2005-12-19T11:00:00.000-08:00

Sitting here amongst the smoke of lemongrass and patchouli incense with laura and aaron asleep on the bed behind me. Its been a long day of listening to the Charlie Brown theme song with old friends and smoking fourths of cigarettes. I find myself actually missing Tuscaloosa quite a bit. Strange - it makes me think of this quote I heard awhile ago:
'It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise. This is true of men as of dogs.'
I suppose whoever said that is right. But I think I'll stuff a pillow in my mouth for now.

I'm feeling poetic (or maybe its just expired nostalgia and the cheap wine). Nonetheless, here is a poem for you, reader:

sometimes you've got to kill 4 or 5
thousand men before you somehow
get to believe that
the sparrow is immortal
money is piss
and that you have been wasting
your time.

~charlie bukowski (who else?)

you don't have AIDS, do you?

2005-12-16T17:26:00.000-08:00

that really would be the most hurtful thing to hear if you really did have AIDS.

"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers..... Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind numbing, spirit crushing game shows, stuffing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life..... But why would I want to do a thing like that?"
- Trainspotting
(one of my new favorite movies)

A perscription from the mid 1800s for heroin. What a drug. (its next on my list - although I will be tip-toeing through the daisies with this one)

"Good mescaline comes on slow. The first hour is all waiting, then about halfway through the second hour you start cursing the creep who burned you, because nothing is happening...and then ZANG!"
- Hunter S. Thompson

2,5-dimethoxy-4-iodophenethylamine, a psychedelic phenethylamine commonly known as 2ci. It makes you a living wire of electricity - but gives you a sex drive like a panda's.
My experience with this drug last night definitely enhanced my friendship with an already good friend of mine. The night zoomed in front of me with Paris Combo and OutKast knocking on my ear drums. At first I was really bummed because it looked like there wasn't going to be any sex all night - but then I stopped and realized that it wasn't about whether or not I was going to be able to have sex, it was about the fantastic experience of the drug, combined with good company and good music... and as that realization floated into my head, I gave a great sigh of relief, wrapped myself up in the soft blankets of the dark dorm room, and talked about funny stories from the bedroom.
*a word of advice, girlies - don't ever ask if you're pretty while in the middle of getting fucked. its a real turn off.
*and for the boys - coke versus pepsi isn't the ideal conversation during a conjugal visit. and don't expect a girl to snuggle up right next to you if you bring up graduated tax brackets either. save that shit for the chalk board - just tell me you want to fuck me harder and that'll do just fine.

And now to end with a quote by the man who never ceases to amaze me, Henry Rollins:

Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define your character.
i see walking bombs on the street
hearting not beating, but ticking
I'm talking about detonation!
You're in McDonald's
And some guy's head explodes
Brains everywhere.
I think there's some faulty circutry here
You see some guy in a business suit
Walking home from work
Look at him closely
He's slumped over
There's smoke coming out one ear
There's a buzzing, cracking sound coming from his head
Blown fuses
Poor machine!
But it's OK
The parts are interchangable
We'll install a new one

shoot him, mr. president

2005-12-15T03:42:00.000-08:00

15 years of piano, 7 years of flute and guitar, and 2 years of harpsichord - now I need a new project. And I've found it.

This is my next instrument to conquer. Having grown up on Ravi Shankar and The Beatles, the sitar has wedged its way into my heart - and I've finally decided to do something about it.
I have the greatest respect for musicians and mathematicians, both artists in their own form.

...probably the best book of all time.

philosophy is hurting my head. descartes is the illogical idiot; hume, the brilliant skeptic; and james... he just makes me feel like a cold-hearted bitch for not believing in god. but oh well.

people who fake personality disorders really bother me. but if you're going to fake one - at least know its name, and don't get it confused with schizophrenia. stop chewing on roses, kid. not everything is genetic.

this picture made the headlines in england back in 1906. those girls pulled the fucking prank of the decade. if i convinced sir arthur conan doyle, the master of mystery, that fairies were real, i'd be pretty damn proud of myself. congradulations, kids - you definitely scored a few points in my book.

i'm thinking about sex and the glittering property of diamonds. i don't want a diamond ring. i want a ring out of a cereal box. with flecks of crumbs still on the band.

education of a food faddist...

2005-12-14T22:14:00.000-08:00

pass the thesaurus
lord i'm hungry
little puddles of
Rogets
on my Webster salad.

pax vobiscum

2005-12-14T14:00:00.000-08:00

"Football Season is Over"
No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun—for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax — This won't hurt.

r.i.p. - hunter s. thompson, february 20, 2005

another thanks to charlie

2005-12-13T19:05:00.000-08:00

to walk across the floor to an old dresser with a cracked mirror - see myself, quiet, grinning at it all. what matters most is how well you walk through the fire.

Death Wins Hands Down

2005-12-13T02:55:00.000-08:00

this is my favorite time of year, when you start making christmas lists and right after you get to legitimately wear your white peacoat with the big black buttons. it makes me want to watch dr. zhivago with a boy and drink lots of hot things in mugs, like last year. i've been thinking too much about someone that meant very much to me this summer, and i don't necessarily mind because it's off and on, or bad and good, or at least not bad by itself.
but i'm stepping away from all that, or at least tip-toeing.
my outfit is too short and if i move at all you can see my ass and if i pull it down at all you can see my boobs so either way you win. sigh. trying to fix that though.

i'm much too distracted right now to really settle down, but at the same time, i feel optionless. freedom. packages in the mail all this week. thinking about those two nights i spent in juvie last summer - that kid in the cell next to me who murdered his neighbors while trying to steal their TV. 2 rehabs and a coke problem will give you an experience that glitters like an amethyst.
going home this weekend for the oh-so-awaited-for holidays. maybe i will see laura and sit with her on the stone steps of my house and drink tea and talk about things?

let them eat cake.

A Mind of Iron

2005-12-12T13:25:00.000-08:00

Its strange how after you've spent engough time with someone, you ceased to be impressed by their supposed charismatic nature. I always find myself almost looking for flaws in people that interest me. But then I discover that I don't have to look - they're typically right under my nose.

It bothers me that the fish usually doesn't taste as good as you think it will when you're grabbing for it.

What is a good life?
That's my paper topic for philosophy. I'm using James' pragmatic theory to solve this mystery because pragmatism is the past least covered in unrealistic brush. The pragmatist turns his back on abstraction and insufficiency, on bad 'a priori' reasons, on fixed principles, closed systems, and pretended absolutes and origins. He turns towards concreteness and adequacy, towards facts, towards action and towards power. This kind of attitude leads to discovering the infinite possibilities of nature and delivers the crushing blow to dogma, artificiality, and the pretence of finality in truth.
When I present the idea of pragmatism to people, they tend to either majorly support the idea or majorly despise it. I suppose you could paint most people into a tender versus tough minded portrait.
(keep in mind this is almost ridiculously simplified - but just bear with me and I'll think you'll catch my drift)

“Tender minded”
•Rationalistic (going by principles)
•Intellectualistic
•Idealistic
•Optimistic
•Religious
•Free-willist
•Monistic
•Dogmatic

“Tough-minded”
•Empiricist (going by facts)
•Sensationalistic
•Materialistic (accepting concrete over abstract)
•Pessimistic
•Irreligious
•Fatalistic
•Pluralistic
•Sceptical

I consider myself much more tough minded now than I have ever been before. I used to be the proverbial nice kid - full of noble ideas on self sacrafice and the importance of turning that frown upside down. Now my heart has hardened slightly, and I have much less tolerance for the 'save the baby whales' mentality. Fuck the baby whales. They take up too much ocean space as it is.

I got involved in an intellectual wrestling match with John T. a little while ago which caused me to come upstairs and give myself a haircut. We were tumbling around the old science verus relgion debate, and I finally came to the conclusion that scientists can be just as stubborn and close-minded as religious fanatics. I also came to the realization that science can't explain everything, no matter how much I'd like it too - but I refuse get frustrated and throw my hands up in the air and proclaim myself a nihilist. Not yet at least.

I've been looking at this book Lindsey has called '101 Things to Do Before You Die'- and its full of all the regular things you're "supposed" to do before you die like be in a threesome, be an extra in a movie - that kind of bullshit, which is cool and all - but I think I would be able to call my life satisfactory if I just learned a few more Beethoven sonatas and held a newborn baby. Besides, I don't need some middle-aged white guy who's probably trying to justify his own meaningless existence telling me what I should do to live a fulfilled life.
I was talking to my friend Knox about this very issue. Knox is so eager to learn about life beyond the bubble because he grew up in a small Christian town in a small Christian family (who probably owned a small Christian dog), totally oblivious to any sort of world beyond Bibles and sweet potatoes. I told him you can't really know anything about life until you've tasted it for yourself. For instance, you can't really know anything about drugs until you've watched your friend get a nose bleed from being so coked out or been coked out yourself - or you can't know the pain of a suicide until you watch your friend blow herself away with a shotgun. Some lessons require more than simple words to learn.

GAH!!! Logic is making me go craaazy. Let me show you, oh reader, what my brain has been puzzling over for the past 5 hours....

The following sequent is invalid:
∃x∀y(Px & Lxy) |- ∀x(Px → ∃yLxy)
Our interpretation needs to make:
∀x(Px → ∃yLxy)
false, while also making the premise,
∃x∀y(Px & Lxy)
true.
There is no rule for deciding how big our universe needs to be. In fact, there are arguments with many-place predicates that are invalid but only have countermodels with infinite universes. We'll need to think about what these sentences say. Basically, they say:
Premise: There is something that (a) is a P and (b) L's everything.
Conclusion: Everything that's P L's something.
So, to make the premise true, we need to make sure there is a P that L's everything in the universe:
Universe: {a, ?}
P: {a, ?}
L: {}
We've put a into the universe, made sure a is a P, and made sure a L's everything in the universe so far. Notice that that means has to be in the extension of 'L'. You can't love everyone if you don't love yourself; you're part of everyone.
We've already done enough to make the premise true. There is something, namely a, that is P and also L's everything. Now we're going to have to be careful to keep the premise true. If we add anything α to the universe, we have to make sure we add to the extension of 'L'. Otherwise, it would no longer be true that a L's everything.
To make the conclusion false, we need to be false that everything that's P L's something. That means there has to be something that is P, but
doesn't L anything.
Obviously, a won't work, since it L's everything. So let's add 'b' to the universe, put it in the extension of 'P', and not put any pairs in the extension of 'L'. The result is:
Universe: {a, b}
P: {a, b}
L: {, }
Notice how we had to add to the extension of 'L', since we had already decided a was going to 'L' everything in the universe.
Now we want to confirm our interpretation is a countermodel for the argument. The premise has the same truth value as its expansion:
((Pa & Laa)&(Pa & Lab)) v ((Pb & Lba)&(Pb & Lbb))
((T & T) & (T & T)) v ((T & F) & (T & F))
( T & T ) v ( F & F )
T v F
T
So our interpretation is a model for the premises. The conclusion has the truth value of its expansion, which is
(Pa -> Laa v Lab) & (Pb -> Lba v Lbb)
( T -> T v T ) & ( T -> F v F )
(T -> T) & ( T -> F)
T & F
F
So our interpretation is not a model for the conclusion. It is a finite countermodel for the argument.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

I found $0.75 outside today. I put it in the change slot of the vending machine so someone will find it and hopefully have a moment of great elation.

To An Old Memory

2005-12-11T13:28:00.000-08:00

there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize this
and most often
when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than too late.

i miss memphis.
mostly, i miss aaron.

'Fear and Stupidity Have Always Been the Basis of Most Human Actions'

2005-12-08T17:12:00.000-08:00

Sitting here topless with my santa hat drooped to one side of my head listening to Ravi Shankar and my happy suitmates talking about bra sizes. I just read this quote (the title) from this poster of Einstein quotes in Ryan's room and decided it would make for a good title because it's totally plausible. I think I've made it quite clear to myself that stupidity is the main ingredient in my cake of actions.

Eric gave me a copy of Jack Kornfield's 'Teachings of Buddha' earlier - and I haven't been able to put it down. I feel like my brain just did a triple sowcow into a giant pit of answers that lead to more questions.

I've reached a new level of tiredness. I can't remember the last time I went to bed before 4:00 AM or didn't own some article of clothing that didn't reek of sex.
The weekend has been good thus far minus the usual expected drama that every weekend brings. Friday took the proverbial cake though. Although no guitars were set on fire this time, there was much good movie watching and partying with old an new friends. Mix in with that
...a awfully wonderful movie about old guys with too much time on their hands letting velociraptors chew through cheap electrical fences
...mood suiting music
...sex
...sex
...and a little bit more sex
and you've got my Friday night. Pretty damn fantastic.

And to top it off, I got a free pepsi while being dropped off this morning. You really can't get much better than that.
I also learned the ways of courting a muffin - which, I have a feeling, will come in handy at some point in time in my life.

Old Faces with New Meanings

2005-12-07T20:12:00.000-08:00

Did you know Martin Luther (as in 95 Thesis Martin Luther) changed his last name from Luder to Luther because "luder" is German for "little whore." Perhaps he should have kept the name. The irony might have helped his case.

I've been putting a lot of quotes in here lately. I suppose my inspirational juices are running low, so I look to the tungsten of surrounding geniuses for ideas. The most recent quote I found interesting is from the movie Fight Club:

"I felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every Panda that wouldn't screw to save its species. I wanted to open the dump valves on oil tankers and smother all the French beaches I'd never see."

I hope to see a French beach one day. The Mediterranean Sea has always floated around in my dreams ever since I found my dad's secret stash of photographs he took back in the 80s when he went to Europe. To lay naked on the shore of the Mediterranean would be an experience that I'm sure could quite possibly knock me off my metaphorical feet.

Random people from the past have been showing up lately. Beautiful Nic Huddleston appeared today outside the Ferg. I was engrossed in The Decemberists so I didn't see him come up to me - and all of a sudden, he poked his little head right up underneath mine and gave me this little smile that I could only describe as a Nic smile. I was so happy to have him approach me because I haven't really talked to him much since things were so awkward after we slept together those few times back in October. It seems like we're going to be able to be friends, which is wonderful - because he's such an amazingly interesting kid, I wouldn't want to lose him over something as forgivable and forgettable as sex.

Today in film class we watched the documentary "Supersize Me." I think the guy was making an already proven point - but the concept of the film was smart. It reimprinted, in my mind, the idea of the necessity of humans taking responsability. Just like I mentioned last time about how people try to diagnose themselves with such-and-such personality disorder, people can't even take responsability for what they put in their own bodies anymore. It almost makes me lose my faith in humanity when I watch these lawyers try and convince a jury that McDonalds should pay some fatass $10 million because they were sucked into the proverbial black hole of Mickey D's advertisment. And don't give me that shit about how the customer doesn't know that what he's consuming is bad for him. If you pick up a piece of food and the grease that drips from it weighs as much as the food itself, I think a little light bulb should go off in your head that says, perhaps I shouldn't eat this twice a day, 3 times a week.
My favorite part of the movie, however, was when they were showing pictures of people to little kids to see who kindergardeners idealize, and this one little girl said 'George Bush' when the guy showed her a picture of Jesus.
Close, kid. But definitely no cigar.

A Zen Moment Bathed in Red Light

2005-12-07T03:24:00.000-08:00

Its 3:14 A.M. and my eyes are far from wanting to shut themselves.

I had a zen moment tonight. Ryan, Jospeh and I went with Sohl to her astronomy lab which took place at the observatory on top of the astronomy building. The professor had eyes made unnaturally large by thick-lensed glasses which sparkled when he talked about the shape of the dust formation of the Orion nebula. I watched him, bathed in the red light of the observatory, anxiously adjust the nobs on the telescope - and for a moment, I was envious that someone could feel that passionate about something that most others consider so trivial.

These are two pictures from a series Aaron took back in Memphis a few weeks ago (I'm the one in the cowboy hat in the second picture). I'm not a religious person at all, but these pictures makes me feel... well, I'm not really sure what they make me feel. But I feel something.
What do you think about them?

Mother Earth Takes a Break and Lets Father Time Take Over

2005-12-05T23:37:00.000-08:00

This is from when Aaron and I went to see Baptist East hospital turn to dust in downtown Memphis a few weekends ago. Destruction really is a form of creation all on its own.

Jesus I have never been so goddamn restless before. Cheryl and I went and had lunch today and we just went craaaazy. We...
~started planning adventures to Mexico bringing nothing but baby wipes and a composition book
~decided that the best way to break up with a boy would be to take a polaroid picture of pizza with a blob of ice cream on top and send it to him and let him figure it out (a little out there...)
~talked about the importance of DOING things. If you're tired of living the boring life, then fucking DO something about it! Go make your own beer, or build an airplane (thanks Dad), or carve something out of oak. Just do something. Trust me - you'll feel like your breathing a new type of air if you do.

I then proceeded to freeze my ass off on the way back to the dorm because I wasn't wearing a shirt under my jacket (ughhh laundry).

Man I have serious ADD.
Well - not really. In fact it really bugs me when I hear everybody complaining that they have ADD or ADHD or some other fucking personality disorder than they can blame their lazy or apathetic attitudes on. Can we all just take a little goddamn responsability for our actions? Geeze.

On a completely random note, to anyone who can, right away, name the album these lyrics comes from - I'll give you a very special present:

Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth
You pull on your finger, then another finger, then your
cigarette
The wall-to-wall's calling, it lingers, then you forget
You're a rock 'n' roll suicide
You're too old to lose it, too young to choose it
And the clock waits patiently on your song
You walk past the cafe but you don't eat when you've lived too
long
You're a rock 'n' roll suicide
Chev brakes are snarling as you stumble across the road
But day breaks instead so you hurry home
Don't let the sun blast your shadow
Don't let the milk floats ride your mind
So natural-religiously unkind
Oh, no, love! you're not alone
You're watching yourself but you're too unfair
You got your head all tangled up, but if I could only make you
care
Oh, no, love! you're not alone
No matter what or who you've been
No matter when or where you've seen
All the knives seem to lacerate your brain
I've had my share, so I'll help you with the pain
You're not alone, just turn on with me
You're not alone, let's turn on and be
You're not alone, gimme your hands
You're wonderful, gimme your hands
You're wonderful, gimme your hands

"Ruined lives are normal both for the wise and others. It is only when the ruined life becomes ours that we realize the suicides, the drunkards, the mad, the jailed, the dopers and etc. etc. are just as common a part of existence as the gladiola, the rainbow, the hurricane, and nothing left on the kitchen shelf."
That quote makes me want to go have someone hold me tight as I gaze up at a sky that looks something like this:

For some reason, road rage has become a recent fascination of mine as of late. Who the hell wants to catch a .32 caliber bullet in order to gain 3 car lengths in heavy traffic?
Me?
I'm so polite I'd make a nun puke. I prefer to die by my own hand.

30 Minutes Past Breakfast Time

2005-12-01T23:11:00.000-08:00

I think our experiences teach us lessons we could holy hope to learn otherwise. With each swing we swing on, drug we try, person we fuck, a new lesson pops into our head that we may only be able to conceive of without acutally experiencing it.

I am learning the value of detachment and the appreciation of breath.
And also how amazing it is to watch a guitar go up in flames.

I went to Waffle House the other night with my friend Alex. We sat there and drank about 6 cups of coffee each and I smoked almost a whole pack of cigarettes because we had to shake ourselves awake. We had both just come from the Blount Formal - sort of like the prom of our dorm. I never went to a prom. Its just a bunch of wasted guys trying to feel up their wasted dates and then wisk them off to the romantic Motel 8 down the road for a night of pre-stained sheets and $13 champagne. What a nightmare.
Anyway - I was sitting there and our waitress was this girl named Rachel who had dark circles under her eyes and stringy hair pulled back in a pony tail. I projected myself into her shoes and thought about my life dealing with syrup stained seats and old drunk men winking at me...
(note bene: only certain people can really pull off a wink. If the whole side of your face twitches when you try, then should know that something's wrong and that the lady friend you're trying to impress is probably going to ask if you have something in your eye rather than falling straight into your arms)
The point is: putting myself in Rachel's shoes gave me the bolt of motivational lightning I needed to go home and do my paper.

Thursday I decided to have some me-time, and so I ventured to the library and ended up checking out a book on Beethoven which lead to having the lady at Java City give me a free drink because her daughter played the violin and was working on a Beethoven sonata at the time. Ah the beauty of coincidence.
Chase and Jan called and I went and discovered the fantastic nature of cherry blunts and shady driveways. We smoked for a long time - and as the pseudo-creative side of me was beginning to kick in, I helped Chase with his English paper and felt quite accomplished.

I had coffee with my English teacher on Friday which was incredible because our stories follow basically the same path except his path was a bit narrower than mine. Nonetheless, talking to an adult who's been through the works can be quite a relief.

Friday night turned out to be an adventure all on its own. Now I can officially claim to have witnessed a $400 guitar go up in flames and watch as people throw their lighters in to make little tiny explosions. And watching it with someone's arms around me made the situation even better.
The night continued on with visits to other random parties before returning to a dorm and having good music, good conversation, and good sex sew up a very nice patch on the evening. I left at around 11:00 the next morning, very satisfied with the way the puzzle of the night had been fitted together.

My neck, however, looks like I got in a fight with a jellyfish. And lost.

The Great Slob

2005-11-30T14:38:00.000-08:00

I was always a natural slob. I liked to lay upon the bed in undershirt (stained, of course) (and with cigarette holes), shoes off, beerbottle in hand, trying to shake off a, difficult night, say with a woman still around, walking the floor complaining about this and that, and then I'd roll over and say, "HEY, YOU DON'T LIKE IT? THEN GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE!"

I really loved myself. I really loved my slob-self, and they seemed to also:
always leaving but almost always coming back.

(thanks charlie)

'Why do they kill all those Christmas trees to celebrate one birthday?'

2005-11-30T12:41:00.000-08:00

Charles Bukowski is a fuckin genius.

Sitting here eating cheese and drinking wine (out of a mountain dew bottle. How romantic) listening to Winston Churchill speeches and contemplating the authenticity of dream catchers. I have one above my bed, but I think its more of an asthetic pleasure than anything else.

These were all taken in Aaron's neighborhood. No photoshoping or editing - just straight up photography. Apparently Roy G Biv lives on Summer Avenue.

"question and answer"
he sat naked and drunk in a room of summer
night, running the blade of the knife
under his fingernails, smiling, thinking
of all the letters he had received
telling him that
the way he lived and wrote about
that--
it had kept them going when
all seemed
truly hopeless.

putting the blade on the table, he
flicked it with a finger
and it whirled
in a flashing circle
under the light.

who the hell is going to save
me? he
thought.

as the knife stopped spinning
the answer came:
you're going to have to
save yourself.

still smiling,
a: he lit a
cigarette
b: he poured
another
drink
c: gave the blade
another
spin.

Sisyphys Finally Gets a Break

2005-11-29T00:20:00.000-08:00

I deleted my account on the facebook today. Why, you ask?
-You'd be surprised what you can learn to live without.
-I felt like I was bullshiting myself in some warped form of a popularity contest. Yeah I had like 280 Alabama friends - what the fuck does that mean anyway? I only give a shit about 20 or 30 of them - so what's the big goddamn deal with many friends you have in fuckin cyber space?
-If people really need to talk to you, they'll find a way. There's cell phones and e-mail - oh yeah and talking to them in person too. I think we've forgot about that one.

Its all a load of bullshit. People getting in fights over fucking live journal posts - people asking you to be the middleman and go talk to so-and-so who lives two doors down from them - can we please grow the fuck up? A little?

I can't tell if I'm turning into a bitter cynical bitch or a logical rationalist. I think that a lot of time, people mistake practicality for cynicism. When I say something like the only person you can really depend on is yourself, I'm not being cynical - I'm just realizing that you are the person that you have to live with for the rest of your life and look at in the mirror every morning - and you're nobody's responsability except your own. You've got to take care of yourself before anything else - and that's not being fucking selfish - that's being fucking sensible. Besides, if you're going to look at from a do-gooder point of view, you can't help other people until you're straight yourself. Individuality is one of the greatest and most beneficial concepts we can hold on to. Fuck that "why can't we all get along" whining bullshit. People who are that stupid to believe that's a good idea let alone acutally posible need to have a bouquet of flowers shoved down their throat.

Wow. And people think I'm a hippy.

They think I'm a hippy who loves and gets along with everyone and believes in the healing powers of crystals and the destructive nature of big corporations . Now please don't get me wrong - human beings are fascinating creatures that have so many good attributes, sometimes it blows my mind.
(And on a side note, I think crystals are beautiful to look at and that we only have Wal-Marts around because that's what people really want, no matter how noble they want to seem.)
But anyway, people can also really piss me off sometimes. And I piss them off too - which is a good sign, because if you're making everybody happy, you're definitely doing something majorly wrong. However I have made a few more enemies down here than I'd hoped for. And its not I'm mean to people or that I hurt them on purpose, its just that things get said (words get twisted, should I say), hearts get stepped on, virginities get taken...
Which leads me to the conclusion that I need to lay off the boys for awhile. I've been with someone since I've been down here and I'm fuckin tired of that as well. I just want to chill out and not worry about the phone calls and the visits and the condoms and the awkwardness and the random outbursts into tears...

Like I said before - you really would be surprised to learn what you can live without. We were all taught in 5th grade that the 3 vital things in life are food, shelter, and clothing. Everything else is frivolous and can be regarded as unnecessary. That's an awfully raw way to look at life - but its really amazing at the same time. You can lead a fantastically amazing life with merely the clothes on your back and an open mind. That really is all you need.

For the first time in weeks, I think I'll sleep well tonight. The Sisyphus in my mind no longer has to push that big fuckin boulder up the hill.

PS - I'm already halfway through A Clockwork Orange. I refuse to read the last chapter though. It wasn't included in the orignal American version or the Stanely Kubrick movie. It gives the novel much more of a fictional tone. And plus I just don't like it.
PPS - Death Cab for Cutie CD makes all of my hair stand on end (and that usually only happens when I hear Chopin or have a boy touch the back of my neck).

"Is a man who chooses to be bad perhaps in some way better than a man who has the good imposed upon him?"

2005-11-28T19:33:00.000-08:00

I feel quiet at the moment. I've been quiet for the past few days, and it actually feels nice.
I like the word quiet too.

Tonight Harrison, Ryan, and I went to IHOP and there was this poor homeless guy standing outside asking for a cup of coffe. So we took him inside and I bought him a big stack of pancakes with lots of eggs and sausage on the side. He thanked us and told us he was a Christian man and that he would ask God to look out for us.I told him to be careful because it was cold outside.

I saw a homeless woman who had frozen to death on some church steps once. I didn't know what to feel - so I just kind of stared and felt sick to my stomach. What do you do in situations like that?
I eventually lit up a cigarette and walked away.

I miss Laura already. And Aaron. And beautiful Patrick Mitchell.Why do people have to come and go so often? I wish you could hold on to every wonderful person that you meet. But that's impossible. So you have to learn to let go I suppose.

You know who I really wish I could meet? Alex from A Clockwork Orange (both my favorite book and movie of all time. That's where the title for this entry comes from).
"There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie and Dim. And we sat in the Korova Milkbar, trying to make up our razudoks what to do with the evening. The Korova Milkbar sold milk-plus; milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom, which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and get you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence."
I discovered that book when I was 13 in the Amsterdam Airport. I was sitting there with my brother and this guy comes rushing through the crowd and he bumps into a lady and this book falls on the ground. I picked it up and looked at the cover and flipped through it. The slang in the book was too much for me at that age, but I kept that copy and have read it about 6 times since then.

Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well. To what do I owe the extreme pleasure of this surprising visit?

A Friend to All is a Friend to None

2005-11-27T20:35:00.000-08:00

Damn! That's a good cliche. I really do like cliches a lot. They're only cliches because people use and abuse them and don't take the time to consider what they actually fucking mean.
Old people planting trees which will give shade that they never sit in.
That's another good one.

Ugh. I went back and read some old blogs today. It was only a few months ago that I wrote them, but reading them is like reading a stranger's journal. Emotional insecurties out the frame. Bleh. So if you read any of my old posts, please, dear God, keep in mind that that is not the me now. The me then and the me now are practically 2 different people.

OMG TITANICISONHBORIGHTNOW.
ahem, sorry the excitement got the better of me. My brother and I are sitting here watching Titanic and eating pie and biscuits (ah, the good life). Oh Leo DiCaprio - how I pined for you when I was young girl of 11...
Damn. I think this might even be worthy of a haiku

Poor guy and rich girl
Having hot sex in a car
Then she lets him drown.

I'm just sayin - there was plenty of room on that damn wooden door that she was layin on for him to climb up there with her. What a selfish whore.

On to better things.
Johnny fuckin Cash, man. That's what its all about. At least for the next few days while Ring of Fire is playing on repeat in my head.

Laura and I went to see Walk the Line last night - and oh my holy god, it was fuckin incredible. Joaquin Phoenix and even little Reese Witherspoon are fantastic - and its really him singing too! Goddamn, I felt like a middle-aged white guy in prison for shootin his wife after drinkin an entire 5th. Or... I felt like I could identify with one at least.
Where the fuck would we be without music?
The middle of goddamn nowhere, that's where.

Last night was incredible. Laura and Walk the Line - that was all well and good. I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes and waved my hands around the rest of the night talking about what a demigod Johnny Cash was.
Then! My friend Neil Baker called - so I went midnight bowling with him and his cousin Steven. A fuckin 160 man! I haven't bowled that well in ages. And plus - Neil is so hilarious (and beautiful... to say the least). So it was overall a fantastic time. THEN - Mr. Eric Edwards, my friend from Tuscaloosa who's also from here, called me around 1:30 and told me that he had some awesome stories to tell me (if you could hear this kid spin a yarn man, it'd be like a fuckin cashmere sweater. No one tells stories like he does). So we went to CKs coffee shop (open 24/7/365 - hell yes) and talked till 4:00 AM... about everything, and I mean everything. It was like one intellectual orgasm after the next. We talked a lot about the problems he's having with his semi-girlfriend Caroline which lead to his ideas on unrequited love. Unrequited love - sure in the middle ages it was all noble and shit to have this pure love for a woman who doesn't love you in return... but now it just sucks. How true, how true.
Man - and Eric has such an amazingly positive view on life - but he's not the kind of optimist that you want to throw a glass at and yell out "how bout that glass half full shit now, bitch!" He's the kind of optimist that talks about how much intrigue (that's his favorite word) there in any situation- especially the bad ones.

I feel happy to be alive after I've talked with him. What a wonderful friend he is. Damn now I feel like doin something crazy. Like drive to Mexico.
Hmmmm... sleeping in a tent outside tonight might have to suffice though.

Cigarette Smoke, Pervasive Steam, and Blistered Fingers

2005-11-25T03:40:00.000-08:00

Its weird how certain songs make you think of certain people and certain places. I'm listening to this awesome techno remix of the Requiem for a Dream theme song that is absoultey fucking amazing. And it reminds me of this certain boy.
And then I get shivers.
And then I smile a secret smile that only others who have smiled that smile would recognize.

I smoked a cigarette when I was taking a shower this morning. I couldn't tell the difference between the smoke passing my lips and the steam engulfing the room. It felt amazing. I don't know why I told you about that, but it seemed important.

And speaking of important things, I have narrowed down my priorities to 3 very vital things:

and of course...

Come on now - what else is there really in life?

Haha, I jest of course. Cigarettes - well, I will admit that while they're quite fantastic, the unwanted side effects such as coughing up your entire pleura do tend to get in the way.
As far as sex goes, I've realized that yes - sex is incredible in every sense - but it is possible to survive and not get laid all the time. I suppose it makes it all the more special if you don't have as much of it. Freshmen seem to build up this sexuality complex - a quantity over quality type of thing. Maybe its not just college freshman (although we are the ones who are the most drenched in guilt) - but if you think about it, would you rather have lots of sloppy drunken sex or a bit of fantastic beautiful sex?
(now don't get me wrong - sloppy drunken sex is OK in moderation - but i'm looking at the whole picture)

Penguins, however, are a vital part of my everyday life and I don't plan on giving them up anytime soon.

So I'm back with Laura again. Its wonderful being with her because we can just pick up right where we left off after not having seen each other for 3 months. We had to go to this damn class reunion thing for her this morning. Bleh.
Oh how I LOVE all girl private schools.

I'm so glad I got kicked out of that shit hole when I did. I don't think I would have lasted another moment there senior year. 13 years of those bitches was quite enough thank you. I welcomed public school like a free pack of cigarettes. And they could have been fucking Parliments - I would have taken them no matter what.

I played Chopin for an hour straight today. I've got some new blisters on my fingers because I haven't been practicing as religiously as I should - but its worth it to learn all of his nocturnes. I'm gonna learn every last one if it kills me.

And now to close with some lyrics from the best band of all time, the Decemberists:
and here i dreamt i was a soldier
and i marched the streets of Birkenau
and i recall in spring
the perfume that the air would bring
to the indolent town
where the barkers call the moon down
the carnival was ringing loudly now
and just to lay with you
there's nothing that i wouldn't do
save lay my rifle down

and try one, and try two
guess it always comes down to
alright, it's okay, guess it's better to turn this way

and i am nothing of a builder
but here i dreamt i was an architect
and i built this balustrade
to keep you home, to keep you safe
from the outside world
but the angles and the corners
even though my work is unparalelled
they never seemed to meet
this structure fell about our feet
and we were free to go

and try one, and try two
guess it always comes down to
alright, okay, guess it's better to turn this way

and here in spain i am a spaniard
i will be buried with my marionettes
countess and courtesan
will fall 'neath my tender hand
when their husbands were not around
but you, my soiled teenage girlfriend
or are you furrowed like a lioness
and we are vagabonds
we travel without seatbelts on
we live this close to death

and try one, and try two
guess it always comes down to
alright, okay, guess it's better to turn this
but i won, so you lose
guess it always comes down to
alright, it's okay, guess it's better to turn this way